Turtleneck

O.K so I have this thing for turtlenecks. What you ask? I have to wear turtlenecks, I can not stand the neck of any other type of shirts. This has been going on for almost FIVE years now. Which shocks me, I can not believe I have worn a turtleneck for five years now. But it started when I was pregnant with my oldest daughter and I just can not seem to get over it. I will watch t.v and think that's a great shirt I wish I could wear that, and then I will promise myself that no matter what tomorrow I will wear another type of shirt, but tomorrow comes and on goes another turtleneck. Or I will start the day wearing a t-shirt and within minutes I have to put on a turtleneck. I am really getting tired of turtlenecks and the limitations they impose on my wardrobe. I don't understand this obsession at all and I am sure anyone who may ever read this will not understand either. I just feel like my skin is crawling when I wear any other type of shirt whether it be a v-neck, a tank top, crew neck, scoop neck, boat neck the list goes on and on you name it I can't wear it. Before I had children and this became the problem it is today I could wear any types of shirts, but there was a little fore shadowing to this disorder and that was the fact that I could never wear necklaces. If I put on a necklace it would be all I could think about and I wouldn't be able to stop touching my neck. I would feel like the necklace was choking me and I would have to scratch at my neck. With that bit of information it seems strange to me that I can now only tolerate turtlenecks, I mean you would think those would make me feel like I was chocking, but no, not at all. I don't just wear turtlenecks in the daytime I also have to sleep in them every night. I don't really know exactly how to convey the way other shirts make me feel except to say if I wear any other shirt I can not get anything done or concentrate on anything else. All I can do is think about how uncomfortable I am. It really is a strange problem and I am starting to think that maybe hypnotherapy might help me get past this obsession. Maybe not but I feel like I am reaching the point where I need to do something about it, I feel like Howard Hughes (not sure that's the right spelling).

Late to the party

I was really excited to start a blog that was just for me and that would be a space for me to say anything without the fear of family reading. But now I can't help but feeling like I am outside of the blogging loop. I have been reading blogs a lot longer than writing one and I have a long list of favorites and I feel like a kid in junior high who wants to get in with the cool crowd. Blogs are being talked about everywhere and I think I am joining the movement too late. It's sort of like the whole real estate flipping phenomenon. I bought an 1888 bungalow with my husband and I have spent the past two years renovating it. I love working on the house I get such a feeling of pride and satisfaction. I love it so much that I started thinking about perhaps doing it to make a living, I would love to buy, renovate and flip houses. It would give me an outlet for my creative abilities I could still be home with my children and some people have made some pretty amazing money doing this. So what's the problem, well with about a hundred shows on TLC, HGTV, and A&E I think the opportunity is over. When it's plastered all over the cable networks and everyone and their neighbor is flipping houses it seems that the industry is oversaturated. I feel like the same thing is happening with blogs, everyone has one and with so many out there to read how does anyone find any readers for their blog? I know it's pretty ridiculous to be complaining about no one reading your blog when you only have 3 entries, that's not really what I am upset about. I just don't want to be viewed as someone who is just jumping on the blogging bandwagon because everyone else is doing it. Just for once I wish I could be at the foregound of something, instead of one of the millions chasing behind the movement. But then I guess everyone wants that right?

onday, April 03, 2006
This one's all mine

I have a blog but it's a politically correct blog mostly used to keep far off family apprised of my children's development. I always feel like I am holding back out of fear that the family who don't really know me that well will think that I am a horrible person. Now with the introduction out of the way what to write about?
I suppose with anonymity and a clean slate I will have the opposite problem. That won't last long though every day I have about a million thoughts running through my head and an audience of two toddlers. So I am a work at home mom who runs a very small home daycare. I want to keep my daycare small but I am also faced with the desire to make more money. Daycare is not a great paying industry and I love to spend money so that is a problem. I feel like one of those goofy inventors who is always trying to create the next big thing, only to fail again. I have tried selling on Ebay and I have made a little bit of money but I can't grasp how people can sell some of the things they do at the price they do and make a profit. Or why some things sell and others just sit there, and then you can only relist them so many times before there is no way you can make a profit. I have signed up for all those on line survey companies and now I have a email box full of junk mail. Then I started entering every contest I could find, I had to win eventually right? Well I gave up before eventually came around.
I feel like my life is on a loop, I do the same thing every day, Get up clean up the mess my husband left for me, get the kids breakfast and argue with them over what they will wear. Greet the day care children, race through another day of endless cleaning and referee duties. Make it through day care kids pick up the e face the chore of dinner, clean up, tub for the kids, the bedtime battle. Then it's time for an "grown up show" and some exciting laundry folding. Then it's off to bed barely able to fall asleep not because of my excitement for the replay next day, but the barrage of worries and what if's that fill my head. The promises of weight I will lose tomorrow, credit card bills I vow to pay off before buying something else we don't really need, how I will keep my temper better under control for the kids sake. That I will be a fun mom tomorrow I will throw caution to the wind and let the house get messy and just keep playing. I will definitely not yell tomorrow no matter what. That I will fold the laundry rather than just leaving it in the baskets and making the kids and husband dig through it yet another day. Please tell me I am not alone in thinking that tomorrow is the day I will start living my life the way I think I should be?
posted by heather @ 11:07 AM 0 comments

Tuesday, April 04, 2006
I'm treading water

My kids are giving their naps but I am not ready for this at all. How can they not understand that I NEED a break. Right now my younger daughter is upstairs screaming because I have instituted a one hour quiet time rule and her hours not up but she wants out of her room. I don't think an hour in your room after lunch is unreasonable but she feels differently. I really am in a rut and I don't know what to do with myself and sometimes the hour they spend upstairs is the only thing standing between me and what feels like insanity. But there is one problem. I just cant really enjoy this time because hearing them up there not at all asleep just stresses me out. You see I also have younger daycare kids here a few days of the week and for them a nap is still a necessity so I just spend the "quiet hour" wishing my kids would just actually be quite and not prevent the others from falling asleep. On the other hand if they were downstairs they would still not be quite and they would be driving me even more crazy. I keep reminding myself that everything with kids is a phase and that it won't last forever but sometimes it really does feel like it will never get better. I hate to wish away any days of their childhood but I am having such a hard time with them the past few weeks. I think I need to go to a therapist but I cant even schedule an appointment because half the time I am watching other people children and even when no one else's children are here I still have my own and what do I do with them? I don't have childcare, honestly we couldn't really afford it even if I knew where to find it. You would think someone in the childcare field would know how to handle this but just the thought overwhelms me. I wonder if there are therapists who see patients on the weekend? Speaking of weekends with the warmer weather just around the corner I will soon see my husband about half less of the time than I do now because he will be on the golf course. I want him to play golf, I really do he hates his job and I am so glad he has something he loves but it doesn't always make my life easy. Sometimes I wish I could just call in a replacement to clean the house, grocery shop, weed the garden, give the kids a bath and most importantly step in when the kids just want to argue with me about everything. Could this be a new career field, I bet there would be big money in the replacement industry. But I guess that would leave me with a problem similar to the child care dilemma I could not afford it. So maybe I could work as a replacement, nothing is as overwhelming when its not your messed up life, I could help others with their messes and be back with my messes by dinner but with a lot more cash in my pockets!